Palin: Debating to Nowhere

The conservative media is criticizing the McCain campaign for not allowing Palin to simply be who she is. They apparently insist on pumping her up with facts so that she may appear capable in front of American voters during the upcoming vice presidential debate. What follows is my prescient telling of what the debate would be like if the McCain campaign followed the pundits' advice:

Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, let me start with you. In your campaign pronouncements you take umbrage at the use of earmarks by citing the example of the so-called "Bridge to Nowhere," yet it is clear that while governor of Alaska and mayor of Wasilla, you actively sought earmarks which were given by Congress to Alaska at a rate higher than any other state in the union. Could you comment on this apparent discrepancy.between what you are now saying and what you did while working on behalf of your home town and Alaska for the viewers?

Palin: It is easy to note from your question that you are a member of the elite American media who will look under rocks and try to see things that are not there. I will attempt to answer your question within that context hoping that the God-fearing, gun-toting, humble people of small towns USA will see through the attempt to assassinate my character. Now may I ask a question?

Ifill: Yes, please do.

Palin: When you say umbrage, what are you trying to say?

Ifill: Are you asking me what the word 'umbrage' means?

Palin: No, I understand perfectly well what the word 'umbrage' means. I am trying to understand how the word is being used by a member of the elite American media knowing that all God-fearing, gun-toting and humble people in small towns all around America want to know the same thing.

Ifill (long pause): You claim to be against earmarks as the vice presidential candidate. Yet, you were all for earmarks prior to Sen. McCain selecting you. Can you explain this apparent inconsistency?

Palin: Sure. As I have said so many times before, I rejected the Bridge to Nowhere. I put the Alaska governor's jet on e-bay. I know that may be difficult for members of the elite American media to understand, but God-fearing, gun-toting, humble people of small town America know what I am talking about.

Ifill: What is it that the people of small town America understand about your acts in Alaska?

Palin: What they understand, and what the elite American media fails to understand, is that the people of the United States, not just small town God-fearing, gun-toting, humble people, but people everywhere including mid-sized towns, large cities, the farmlands of America, the industrial centers, everywhere, from sea to shining sea, they take, eh, er, what was the word you used? Hombres?

Ifill: Umbrage.

Palin: Yes that's it. Umbrage. The people of the United States, not just small town God-fearing, gun-toting, humble people, but people everywhere including mid-sized towns, large cities, the farmlands of America, the industrial centers, everywhere, from sea to shining sea, they take umbrage at the attempts of the elite America media to castrate people like me who want to serve.

Ifill: Castrate? do you mean 'castigate?'

Palin: As President Reagan used to say. You remember President Reagan don't you? He was the leader off this great country. I was already in high school when he said this. It was about ten years after I started to listen to speeches of Senator Biden when I was in the second grade. President Reagan used to say, "There you go again." That's what he used to say and I will say it again to you and to the God-fearing, gun-toting, humble people of small town America.

Ifill: There I go again?

Palin: Yes. Using the big fancy words that no one seems to understand. Then you take any attempt to respond to those questions with the big fancy words and twist them around to make a big deal out of them. God-fearing, gun-toting, humble people of small town America know what you are doing. Middle sized towns too, big cities, the farmlands, the sea to shining sea.

Ifill: Are you asking me to use another word than 'castigate'?

Palin: Are you trying to castrate me with your questions? Well I can't be castrated. I am a woman, a pit bull with lipstick, a hockey mom with small town values that are so important to the God-fearing, gun-toting, humble people of small town America. I think these God-fearing, gun-toting, humble people of small town America will see what you are up to. They can see for their eyes that you haven't asked one question of the Senator yet, the Senator that I listened to when I was in second grade.