Sunday, October 5, 2008
Pick Me, Pick Me: I'm A Maverick
Pick me, pick me because I'm a maverick. No, I am not talking about McCain or Palin. They are mavericks too. Just ask them. Joining the fray, however, based on the possibility that hateful attack ads this last month before the election will turn the tide in favor of McCain and that he will become the next president of the United States, I want to become a justice of the Supreme Court. I possess the perfect temperament and I share certain common attributes with McCain and Palin. Why do I want this? The secret is that I have always wanted to be an appellate judge. To accomplish this purpose I can promise to do whatever McCain wants me to do. You want textualism? I'm your man. I have a great deal of experience with this concept. My last official case as a lawyer was in Texas where my clients were suing the state of Texas for first trimester injuries inflicted by state employee physicians who performed a medical procedure damaging the limb buds of the children. Texas state law requires that the state be notified of the potential law suit within six months of the date of the injury. Let me see; I'll give a math quiz. If the length of gestation is nine months and a child is injured in utero in the first three months, when will the six month period of time expire? Before the child is born and before the injury can be discovered? Too bad. Too late. The text of the statute doesn't allow wriggle room. Go to the end of the line. Now I know what you're thinking. I don't have a chance in hell that McCain would pick me because in that case as a maverick I was advocating on behalf of the children, i.e. I was on the wrong side of the 7-0 opinion of the state Supreme court that also brought us a governor who became president because of his compassionate conservatism. But this is incidental. the reason I deserve a Supreme Court appointment is because I am a maverick. I don't need to know anything or do anything other than nurture that image. In fact, in an administration where the sea of faces would undoubtedly be ditto-head stereotypes, I might provide some comic relief. I could raise a little hell on the Court. First of all, I would promise to refuse to wear judicial robes. They are so yesterday. I, like Palin, am about the future. I am ready for my confirmation hearings. Why am I a maverick? Because I say so, that's why. Next question please.