Saturday, September 15, 2012

An Interview with Romney

I woke up in the middle of last night in a cold sweat.  In my dream, things were going so well.  Mitt had decided to give me an exclusive one-on-one interview.  I took out my paper and pen and started asking my questions:

Q.  Mr. Romney, I understand that you have an exciting new plan to restore the economy.  Can you tell us about it?
A.  Yes I do and I am excited about it because it is not only a major economic plan to restore the country to 100% full employment, but restores America's place as the leader of the free world.
Q.  That sounds pretty impressive, but can you give us some of the details?
A.  Before I answer your question, do you really know what is going on in the world?  Do you understand the threat our best ally faces from the potential for  nuclear destruction by Iran? Do you realize how many times Obama has apologized to Muslim nations?
Q.  I don't understand, are you suggesting that what is going on between Israel and Iran has something to do with the American economy?
A.  Bingo!  You've got it.  The new program is called "Get a job or else."
Q.  "Get a job or else?"
A.  That's right.  We've got ten million or more people in this country just sitting around doing nothing, sponging off the taxpayers of this country.  My new program "Get a job or else" will put them all to work.
Q.  Just how do you propose doing that?
A.  You do understand that I'm a little reluctant to release the details because the mainstream media and the Democrats will try to pick it apart, don't you?  I think it's best if I just leave them guessing a bit on this one, but I can assure  you its big.
Q.  Gee, can't you share at least a little piece of your plan?
A.  I hate it when people beg me for information like that.  It reminds me of all those freeloaders in our country who expect something for nothing.  Do you know how many freeloaders in this country get food stamps?  I simply cannot understand why they don't buy their own food just like all the taxpayers have to do.  
Q. So you think I should just report your plan as "Mr. Romney has a plan but refused to share it because of the criticism he might get?"
A.  See, that's exactly what I mean.  I can't say or do anything without you media-types pouncing all over it.  
Q.  Maybe it would help this time if you gave the details of your plan.
A.  Are you sure you won't criticize it?
Q. (two fingers crossed behind my back)  I won't.  I promise.
A.  Okay them, my plan calls for bombing Iran and starting, in effect, what will become World War III.  The freeloaders of our society, those who won't go out and get jobs, will be drafted first. Do you know that more than 50% of new college graduates aren't working?  We will sign all of these people up for six year stints in the Armed Forces.  I wanted to call my plan  "The Six Year Plan" but Mr. Bolton overruled me on that one.  That's why we settled on "Get a job or else" because this is a jobs program. Remember how World War II ended the depression?  That is what this "Get a job or else." is going to do for our country.  Can I take a moment and sing the national anthem for you?
Q.  Are you serious?  (mocking tone)(waiting, waiting, blocking ears when he hits high notes)
A.  See, that's why I didn't want to tell you.  You're already criticizing my plan.  I can see it on the look on your face, the hands over your ears.  You simply don't want to hear the truth.  Bibi and I knew this would happen.
Q.  Bibi?
A. Yes, Bibi. that's what I call Netanyahu.  I don't hear Obama going around tossing out the first name of the other world leader who has requested our help in starting this war.  He avoids personal contact.  He'd rather just talk to him on the phone.  I went right over to Israel with that guy from Los Vegas, let me see, I forget his name, the one with all the money, and we sat down and talked.  I would guess that Obama doesn't want to start World War III because he's afraid of offending the Muslims.  You know, if we take over those countries, we'll have all the oil in the world.

I wiped the sweat off my brow and tried to get back to sleep.  I wondered if Romney became president if there would be many sleepless nights like this.  Just Saying . . .

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